I have recently rediscovered one of my favorite past times: watching television. No it isn't because it is Summer. And no it isn't my extreme couch potatoosity. And it isn't even for the daring new and extremely original Summer lineups that the networks are throwing at us (how many times can we re watch the entire season of Community on Thursday nights?)
It is for the once-thought-of-as-only-watchable-during-the-Super-Bowl commercials. I love commercials. And not only the stupidly expensive Super Bowl ones that get shown for a while either. Everyday, run-of-the-mill commercials. But wait dear citizens. I am not even talking about sales or rollbacks or new items. I am talking about drug commercials. These are the best. Half of the time I don't even know what the drug does but I am hooked until the bitter end.
There is one simple reason why this newly found love of mine have nuzzled itself into the fleshy parts of my heart. SIDE EFFECTS!!! Anybody ever pay attention to this? I cannot believe the things that people will ignore to have clean toenails or whatever else. Listen to the side effects that they list for about half the run time of the commercial and ask yourself: Is it worth it?
I mention the toe nail thing because it is pretty good. So people have toenail fungus. Yuck right? Well put on a sock. Or you could take this pill that they advertise on tv. It will clear up that toenail fungus right up. However, your hair might fall out. You might get dizzy. Sometimes it gives you fevers that require medical attention. You could just suffer from blood clots which are no big deal right? But hey. Your toenails will look fantastic.
I am not making this up. Some of these drugs have side effects like nausea, shortness of breath, cramps, DEATH!!! Not even kidding. My favorites are the ones that cause both diarrhea and constipation. I don't even want to know what that could be like. Does it switch back and forth quickly. Or are you plugged for a day only to have the flood gates unleashed the next? How could this be a good thing?
I don't see how these things can legally be sold. "Dr. Lamp how did the patients react to the drug?
"Well doctor Post one died, two suffered from severe vertigo, one lost his vision temporarily, and three are still on the toilet."
"Yes but did the soreness in their pinky toe go away?"
"Yes Doctor. In all cases. Well we're not sure how well it worked on the guy who died but we're pretty sure he isn't feeling any pain any more."
"Then put those pills in a tube with cotton and sell them at Rite Aid."
NO! Go back to the drawing board and try again! Or at least give me a website where I can print out the side effects and read them to myself whenever I want a good laugh. You have to pay attention next time one of these commercials comes on. You will not regret it.
Also keep an eye out for the drug commercials that don't even tell you what the drug does.They will have this couple walking through a field filled with flowers or running on the beach with the waves hitting their feet. That is all they show and then at the end a voice comes on and say, "Ask your doctor if Florifidine is right for you." End of commercial. What does it do? Does it help you mentally find fields with a loved one? Or does it telepathically allow you to pull the tide in when your feet get too sandy? I may need one of these drugs but I am too afraid to ask my doctor.
"Hey Doc. Is Chloriplastifartis right for me?"
"Well that depends Mike. Are you a fifty year old woman who wants to have children by taking a pill that supercharges her uterus?"
"Uh. No"
"Then it is not right for you."
"But I wanted to take naps on clouds like the commercial showed."
"Get out."
I could see that happening. And I am not sad at all. I love these commercials. I will watch crappy tv in hopes that one of these commercials comes on. They need their own on-demand channel so I can watch them when I want to and how I want to. And you should too. But make sure you ask your doctor if it is right for you first. And ignore any side effects. Odds are it will happen to the other three-fifths of the people who take it.
Peace! I'm out.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wow it has been a while
So I am terrible at this blog stuff. This just my journal in electronic form. Start off strong and then fade away. But I am back with a vengence.
Why not jump back in the game with a rant? This has been on my mind for a while and the only way to get it out is to blog about it where you don't have a choice but to let me type it. You don't have to read it but dang it I am going to type it.
So I have to vent about something that I hate. It bugs me more than most things on this planet. I cringe every time I see it and I am half tempted to destroy it on said sighting. You know it and I know it. The evil, murderous, vile, wicked, no good, dirty, rotten stinking nonesense that is automatic sinks and automatic paper towel dispensers.
I hate these dang things. They are so annoying. I hate having to wave my hands up and down a sink to get the water to come on. It never works the way it should. And then when it decides that you should be done washing your hands it shuts off. It is even harder to get it going again than the first time. This whole thing has to end. I even saw an automatic soap dispenser once. I want to decide how much soap I use. Not some cocky little box screwed into a wall. It drives me nuts.
And the paper towel dispenser. I hate it with the fire and anger of a thousand evil frogs. I can't dry my hands with ONE paper towel. There is no way. And then I have to sit around and wait for it to reload. Again and again. And again. It is so frustrating. It takes a quick event on my life, an inconvenience really, because using the terlet never comes at a time when you want it to, and draws it out into this epic battle between me and the green hippies.
Now I'm not saying that we should waste and use up the planet. Heavens no. But the stupid hippies got it wrong. These sinks actually waste water. Do they shut off automatically when you are done washing your hands? No they keep on pumping for their alloted time whether or not you are sanitizing. Sometimes I am even halfway into my battle with the paper towels before the water shuts off. How is that helping? How is that conservation? It is more of a waste than me being in control of turning on the water when I begin and turning off the water when I am done. Arg.
One of my favorite moments in movie history is in the movie Garden State. Zach Braff is in a restroom and it has the automatic sinks. He walks out of the bathroom and passes the row of sinks on his way out and as he passes by each one turns on and dumps water for a while. Classic! Take that sinks who think they are better than me. You have just been made fun of...well not just because Garden State came out forever ago, but I just called you out. (If you haven't seen that movie you should. It'll change your life forever).
Now on a lighter side of a similar issue I am 100% for automatic toilet flushers because who wants to put your hands that close to other people's pee pee and ca ca. Cause you know people miss all the time.
So I am asking you to join me in the destruction of all automatic sinks and paper towel dispensers. And tear down the dumb soap dispensers before they can get a foot in the door.
Who's with me!!!???
Why not jump back in the game with a rant? This has been on my mind for a while and the only way to get it out is to blog about it where you don't have a choice but to let me type it. You don't have to read it but dang it I am going to type it.
So I have to vent about something that I hate. It bugs me more than most things on this planet. I cringe every time I see it and I am half tempted to destroy it on said sighting. You know it and I know it. The evil, murderous, vile, wicked, no good, dirty, rotten stinking nonesense that is automatic sinks and automatic paper towel dispensers.
I hate these dang things. They are so annoying. I hate having to wave my hands up and down a sink to get the water to come on. It never works the way it should. And then when it decides that you should be done washing your hands it shuts off. It is even harder to get it going again than the first time. This whole thing has to end. I even saw an automatic soap dispenser once. I want to decide how much soap I use. Not some cocky little box screwed into a wall. It drives me nuts.
And the paper towel dispenser. I hate it with the fire and anger of a thousand evil frogs. I can't dry my hands with ONE paper towel. There is no way. And then I have to sit around and wait for it to reload. Again and again. And again. It is so frustrating. It takes a quick event on my life, an inconvenience really, because using the terlet never comes at a time when you want it to, and draws it out into this epic battle between me and the green hippies.
Now I'm not saying that we should waste and use up the planet. Heavens no. But the stupid hippies got it wrong. These sinks actually waste water. Do they shut off automatically when you are done washing your hands? No they keep on pumping for their alloted time whether or not you are sanitizing. Sometimes I am even halfway into my battle with the paper towels before the water shuts off. How is that helping? How is that conservation? It is more of a waste than me being in control of turning on the water when I begin and turning off the water when I am done. Arg.
One of my favorite moments in movie history is in the movie Garden State. Zach Braff is in a restroom and it has the automatic sinks. He walks out of the bathroom and passes the row of sinks on his way out and as he passes by each one turns on and dumps water for a while. Classic! Take that sinks who think they are better than me. You have just been made fun of...well not just because Garden State came out forever ago, but I just called you out. (If you haven't seen that movie you should. It'll change your life forever).
Now on a lighter side of a similar issue I am 100% for automatic toilet flushers because who wants to put your hands that close to other people's pee pee and ca ca. Cause you know people miss all the time.
So I am asking you to join me in the destruction of all automatic sinks and paper towel dispensers. And tear down the dumb soap dispensers before they can get a foot in the door.
Who's with me!!!???
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