My favorite things

I have recently rediscovered one of my favorite past times: watching television. No it isn't because it is Summer. And no it isn't my extreme couch potatoosity. And it isn't even for the daring new and extremely original Summer lineups that the networks are throwing at us (how many times can we re watch the entire season of Community on Thursday nights?)
It is for the once-thought-of-as-only-watchable-during-the-Super-Bowl commercials. I love commercials. And not only the stupidly expensive Super Bowl ones that get shown for a while either. Everyday, run-of-the-mill commercials. But wait dear citizens. I am not even talking about sales or rollbacks or new items. I am talking about drug commercials. These are the best. Half of the time I don't even know what the drug does but I am hooked until the bitter end.
There is one simple reason why this newly found love of mine have nuzzled itself into the fleshy parts of my heart. SIDE EFFECTS!!! Anybody ever pay attention to this? I cannot believe the things that people will ignore to have clean toenails or whatever else. Listen to the side effects that they list for about half the run time of the commercial and ask yourself: Is it worth it?
I mention the toe nail thing because it is pretty good. So people have toenail fungus. Yuck right? Well put on a sock. Or you could take this pill that they advertise on tv. It will clear up that toenail fungus right up. However, your hair might fall out. You might get dizzy. Sometimes it gives you fevers that require medical attention. You could just suffer from blood clots which are no big deal right? But hey. Your toenails will look fantastic.
I am not making this up. Some of these drugs have side effects like nausea, shortness of breath, cramps, DEATH!!! Not even kidding. My favorites are the ones that cause both diarrhea and constipation. I don't even want to know what that could be like. Does it switch back and forth quickly. Or are you plugged for a day only to have the flood gates unleashed the next? How could this be a good thing?
I don't see how these things can legally be sold. "Dr. Lamp how did the patients react to the drug?
"Well doctor Post one died, two suffered from severe vertigo, one lost his vision temporarily, and three are still on the toilet."
"Yes but did the soreness in their pinky toe go away?"
"Yes Doctor. In all cases. Well we're not sure how well it worked on the guy who died but we're pretty sure he isn't feeling any pain any more."
"Then put those pills in a tube with cotton and sell them at Rite Aid."
NO! Go back to the drawing board and try again! Or at least give me a website where I can print out the side effects and read them to myself whenever I want a good laugh. You have to pay attention next time one of these commercials comes on. You will not regret it.
Also keep an eye out for the drug commercials that don't even tell you what the drug does.They will have this couple walking through a field filled with flowers or running on the beach with the waves hitting their feet. That is all they show and then at the end a voice comes on and say, "Ask your doctor if Florifidine is right for you." End of commercial. What does it do? Does it help you mentally find fields with a loved one? Or does it telepathically allow you to pull the tide in when your feet get too sandy? I may need one of these drugs but I am too afraid to ask my doctor.
"Hey Doc. Is Chloriplastifartis right for me?"
"Well that depends Mike. Are you a fifty year old woman who wants to have children by taking a pill that supercharges her uterus?"
"Uh. No"
"Then it is not right for you."
"But I wanted to take naps on clouds like the commercial showed."
"Get out."
I could see that happening. And I am not sad at all. I love these commercials. I will watch crappy tv in hopes that one of these commercials comes on. They need their own on-demand channel so I can watch them when I want to and how I want to. And you should too. But make sure you ask your doctor if it is right for you first. And ignore any side effects. Odds are it will happen to the other three-fifths of the people who take it.
Peace! I'm out.